Why is it so hard to start?

This is my first post and it’s going to be a stream of consciousness. I decided that this is a good way to just get started with writing on here because I don’t need to plan anything and there was hardly any friction for me to just start.

I can feel myself started to judge what I’m writing already. Feeling the pull to go back and edit things. I’m going to try to resist the urge to do that for the most part

I would like to think about why I want to write, why write on here, and what I would like to write about. My head feels so busy with so many ideas whirling about. I would compare this feeling to a beehive, pinball machine, or tornado maybe. I really want to get my thoughts out and fully form them. I often find that I will have like 7 thoughts in quick succession and then immediately forget them all a second later. It’s SO frustrating. ADHD maybe? This is one of the many symptoms I believe I have. Need to get that checked out. But I’ll think about that later.

I’ve wanted to write some form of blog or something for a long time. Years probably. But I’ve put it off until now. Why was it so hard to start? I suppose the fear of what I write not being interesting, or [i lost my train of thought. I think freeze friend showed up — Side note: ‘freeze friend’ is a character I’ve come up with for the dissociation I experience. He’s a black cat called Harry and he lives on a red brick wall. When I become too stressed, he jumps down from his wall and ‘freezes’’ me as a way of preventing me from feeling the overwhelming anxiety. Thanks, Harry, but I don’t need you now. I am an adult and I can take care of little Sophie. You can go back on your wall now.

I wonder if anyone is going to read this. I mean it is online so there exists the possibility. I just can’t imagine someone finding this in the depths of this site. What would I think if someone did read it? I’m not really sure. I sort of do and don’t want people to read it at the same time lol. Okay, probably a good time to start thinking about why I want to write online as opposed to just a private journal-

So, why do I want to write online? I’m already finding this more fun than when I write knowing it’s just for me. I wonder why. I guess I kind of feel like I am writing to someone and that’s making me more engaged? It’s definitely making me relate to this writing differently. But how? It gives me the kind of feeling like “this is going to be stuck up on the fridge” rather than ‘this is going to be buried somewhere.

I didn’t go outside today. I often get really anxious about going outside. It’s so frustrating. Today was such a beautiful day. Sunny and over 10 degrees so wouldn’t have been too cold. I sit on the sofa and look outside thinking’ I should go for a walk today’ and then this unpleasant feeling rises in my stomach and then the thought ‘what if I don’t end up going out’. It’s like..the anxiety about the thought of not doing it prevents me from doing it? I don’t know if that even makes sense. I get the same thing with having a shower. What the hell is it? I find it so difficult to articulate this feeling.

Why write online cont. it would be cool to earn some money writing on here ☺️ that would be so fun. an awesome extra stream of income. I love to connect with people by talking about deep and interesting things. So vague I know but I’m just not sure how to categorise the kind of conversations I like. I will try to expand on that. I love doing deep introspection. Analysing the thoughts and feeling I have, and the reactions I have to things to try to determine what it means. And I enjoy asking other people (probing?) questions that lead them to do deep introspection too. It’s really cool uncovering stuff this way. I guess this comes under human psychology? Yeah. And human interactions I find so fascinating too. And thinking about how our past experiences have affected the way we react or respond to things now.

So why publish this online then? It would be really cool to write about the thoughts I’ve been having and then discussing these with other people who are also interested in the same topics. Ah I love that so much. It gives me sparkly energy. Hah. That’s how I describe it.

I’m really glad I just started writing just anything as a way to get started. Reducing friction really helps. I’ll probably leave it here and write again later

Oh no wait couple more things. Some other thoughts / topics I want to get out of my head are about the Pity vs Sympathy podcast on Not Overthinking. That was such a good episode. It really made me think about my thoughts and actions. some things that come to mind that I want to flesh out. maybe i’ll try and do that in the next thing I write.

• even actions with positive intentions can have negative effects on other people
• are reassuring comments always bad even if they make the other person feel good?
• How to define pity? Symphathy? Empathy?

It really derailed me. I think because, through having weekly therapy over the last 1.5years, i had developed a new model of viewing the world and thought I had an understanding of how people work. But hearing taimur and other people make some point that i would have just never thought of helped me to see that of course I don’t know everything about how the world works and there are many other perspectives. I mean i did know this on an intellectual level beforehand, but after this i actually felt it.

Okay i think I will actually leave it there for now. See you next time writer Sophie ;)